D-I-WHY

Hi Okay, Spill. Like many people, I left a major city and went to live back with my parents when the quarantine started. Several months in now, things have mostly been going well, but I'm worried that's about to change. Neither of my parents are working right now (one parent is retired, the other works for a school which is still out for the summer), and both want to take on a new DIY kitchen renovation that is.....ambitious. I still work remotely in a full-time job, which is normally a 10+ hour/day commitment. My parents are insisting that I help them with their project (because many hands make little work). The project is definitely going to take several weeks, and with the end of quarantine nowhere near the sight-line, I will most likely be here one way or another through the end of the renovation. At the end of the day, I don't want to take part in it. I understand the boredom is getting to my parents, with nothing to do and nowhere to go, and that this would be a good use of their time, but my job is demanding, the hours are long, and I'm usually exhausted at the end of the day and don't want to pivot from one form of work to another. I am also uncomfortable with the idea that my time off on the weekends would also end up being dedicated to this DIY project. Knowing my parents, even if we were to agree to something like "we just want you to put in an hour a day", an hour would still end up turning into working on the project until pretty much they were ready to stop. I'm grateful I was able to come back home when the outbreak became serious, and I don't want to just dismiss my parents out of hand. I do plenty of other things like cooking and cleaning to help contribute to our home while I'm here, but I want to preserve what little time I have to not spend working. Am I in the wrong here? — Workaholic with Limits

What We're Sippin': Lavender Tea

• When it comes to parent troubles in close proximity, we need all the zen we can get.

Where We're Sippin': A back porch at a friends house. Back porch anywhere that's not home. Finding a space to breathe is good.

Mother Teresa

No, you are not in the wrong. My initial advice would be to sit down with your parents and read them this very note/question. Tell them you’d still like to help but you don’t want it to be expected because of all of the reasons you have so clearly outlined to us. But, you have to think that in a few months, you’ll be returning to your major city so it might actually be nice to help your parents with something like this. While it’s important to shine a light on your contributions in the household, you also don’t want to rub it in their faces, but your need for free time is justified. You can still be a support system to them and offer services in different (or more limited, scheduled) ways but in order to do so, you need to find a balance between work and rest.

Ginger Ále

Okay so DIY projects sometimes make me want to puke. As do certain levels of ~expectations~ when you have obligations coming from other places. But Mother Teresa brings up a good point, they are your parents and your return to your own home and life is closer than you think. In order to avoid any negative confrontations, I’d give them a little background as to your personal experience with your work day. This will help explain to them your need for balance and free time. It’s this healthy balance that will allow for you to help out as much as you can on your own terms. It becomes a win-win.